From: officialflagrant
Upon arriving in America, Yoonmi Park encountered stark cultural differences in dating and relationship dynamics compared to her upbringing in North Korea and initial experiences in South Korea [00:59:02].
Navigating American Dating Culture
Park initially struggled to understand the implicit social cues of American dating. She recounts instances where invitations to dinner were not explicitly understood as “dates,” leading to surprise when a kiss was expected at the end of the evening [01:00:02]. In her cultural background, physical touch like hugs and public displays of affection were uncommon, and even handshakes between different genders were rare, making the transition to American dating norms challenging [01:00:05].
Personal Dating Experiences
Park met her current fiancé on Bumble during the COVID-19 pandemic in Chicago [01:00:50]. She expressed a preference for “classical” and “conservative” men, finding dating apps like Raya, which had “creative types,” less suitable [00:59:50]. Her fiancé is Iranian, and she has also dated white and Russian-Jewish men, but has never dated Korean men due to past negative experiences [01:22:51]. She noted that Persians, in her experience, “have game” in dating [01:24:15].
Park finds that she is “too soft on men” and very sympathetic to their struggles, which her fiancé is unaccustomed to [01:02:14]. She believes modern society is often designed for women, leading to hardships for men, a perspective she finds uncommon [01:02:26].
Marital Relationships
Park’s experience includes a divorce, which she views as an exercise of freedom not possible in North Korea [00:57:33]. She emphasizes that while marriage can be tough, it is “nothing comparable to North Korea” [00:57:15]. Her ex-husband is American and white, and they maintain an amicable co-parenting relationship [00:58:33]. She acknowledges the overwhelming nature of freedom, as making choices and being responsible for their consequences can be difficult [02:35:46].
Regarding gender roles within marriage, Park notes that in North Korean culture, men make major decisions outside the household, while women manage smaller domestic matters [02:47:47]. She observes that in America, the “gender wars” lead to men wanting to be involved in “every single thing,” which she finds overly controlling [02:47:58]. Her ex-husband was surprised by her assertiveness, expecting a “submissive” North Korean woman [02:48:22].
Exposure to Diverse Identities
Park’s arrival in South Korea and later America exposed her to concepts of race and sexual identity that were absent in her North Korean upbringing [00:50:13].
Race and Dating Preferences
Park stated that in North Korea, there was no concept of race [00:50:13]. She initially perceived white people as all looking the same, and later the same for black people [00:50:57]. In contrast, she could differentiate between various Asian ethnicities due to cultural differences in dress and facial features [00:51:39].
Park mentions never being hit on by black men, only by white, Asian, and one Iranian man [01:25:04]. She suggests a potential connection with Jewish and Iranian people due to shared experiences of “modern Holocaust” or historical oppression [01:24:24].
Sexual Orientation
The concept of “gay” was unknown in North Korea, and there was no vocabulary for it [01:23:17]. Park first encountered the term and learned about it after a host in San Francisco, who hugged her, identified as gay [01:54:02]. She believes that in North Korea, people are “too hungry to be gay,” suggesting that basic needs must be met before one can explore sexual identity [01:59:27].
Modern Relationship Dynamics
Park has observed the prevalence of non-exclusive and open relationships among her friends in New York and San Francisco, especially after events like Burning Man [02:44:01]. She notes that many of her girlfriends are “fluid” in their dating and relationship dynamics, having open marriages and multiple partners [02:43:58]. While she supports this freedom and avoids judgment, she personally would not pursue such a lifestyle, believing it to be “wrong” for her [02:45:18].
[!NOTE] Impact of Communism on Relationships: In North Korea, the government assigns marriages and jobs, leaving individuals no choice in their life partners or careers [01:55:24]. There is no concept of sexual harassment or “Me Too” [01:59:56]. Park notes that sexual acts, including sex between men, occurred in prison camps in exchange for food, demonstrating the extreme conditions people faced [01:57:50].