From: hubermanlab
In a recent episode of the Huberman Lab podcast, Dr. Andrew Huberman hosted Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, to discuss various emotional themes, particularly focusing on guilt and shame. Dr. Kennedy provided a fresh perspective on these two often-confused emotions, offering insights into their distinctive characteristics and implications for personal development and relationships.
Definitions and Differentiations
Guilt and shame are distinct emotions that often get conflated. Dr. Becky Kennedy defined them as follows:
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Guilt is a feeling that arises when one acts out of alignment with their personal values. It serves as a constructive emotional response, prompting individuals to reflect on their actions, understand why they acted contrary to their values, and make amends or change future behavior. Guilt is thus tied to specific actions and can lead to positive behavior change. ([01:08:28])
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Shame, on the other hand, is more pervasive, tied to one’s identity rather than specific actions. It involves a sense of being inherently flawed or unworthy of love and acceptance. While guilt can encourage reflection and growth, shame often results in feelings of inadequacy and isolation, hindering personal development. ([03:05:11])
The Role of Guilt
Dr. Kennedy emphasized the utility of guilt as a guiding emotion. When one feels guilty, it indicates a disconnect between their actions and deeply held values. This can serve as a motivational force to course-correct and align future behaviors with personal beliefs. This introspective process not only resolves the current conflict but can also strengthen one’s moral and ethical decision-making in the future. ([01:09:34])
The Paralyzing Nature of Shame
Unlike guilt, shame often leads to an emotional dead-end. It fosters a sense of being alone in one’s flawed state, leading individuals to hide or suppress their perceived imperfections rather than addressing the behaviors that caused the negative feelings. Dr. Kennedy pointed out that shame can freeze individuals, preventing them from taking steps towards positive change and leading to self-isolation. It’s crucial, therefore, to shift from a shame-based to a guilt-based understanding when dealing with negative emotions, which can indirectly improve personal development and relationships. ([03:12:02])
Practical Implications
Understanding the difference between guilt and shame has significant implications for personal development and relationships:
- Embrace guilt as a signal for reflection and change, rather than viewing it as a discomfort to avoid.
- Recognize shame and challenge its narratives by reminding oneself that everyone makes mistakes, and these do not define one’s worth.
- Use empathy and narratives to normalize experiences and reduce feelings of shame. Sharing stories of personal challenges or past mistakes can validate emotions and foster connectedness. ([03:06:44])
Conclusion
Distinguishing between guilt and shame can greatly enhance one’s emotional intelligence and relational dynamics. By understanding that guilt is linked to actions and can lead to corrective measures, whereas shame is tied to identity and can hinder personal growth, individuals can navigate their emotional landscapes more effectively. Dr. Kennedy’s insights offer valuable perspectives for turning the discomfort of guilt into opportunities for better alignment with one’s values and reducing the isolating effects of shame. ([01:10:14])