From: hubermanlab
Here is the article with backlinks added:
Conflict resolution is a critical skill, particularly when dealing with individuals who possess high conflict personalities. In a recent discussion with renowned expert Bill Eddy on the Huberman Lab podcast, several strategies were outlined for effectively managing and resolving conflicts with such individuals. Here are the key strategies and insights gleaned from the conversation.
Understanding High Conflict Personalities
Before diving into strategies, it’s essential to understand what constitutes a high conflict personality. These individuals are often preoccupied with blame and have a pattern of behavior that persists across different settings. They may not exhibit traditional personality disorders but share some overlapping characteristics. High conflict people can be combative or play the victim to generate conflict.
Statistics
According to Eddy, approximately 10-15% of people in the U.S. have a personality disorder, but the percentage with a high conflict personality might be different.
The Two Types:
- Combative Type: These individuals are directly confrontational.
- Victim Playing Type: They often position themselves as the wronged party in every situation.
Strategies for Conflict Resolution
1. The WEB Method
When interacting with high conflict individuals, utilize the WEB method which stands for:
- Words: Pay attention to blaming language or absolutes like “always” and “never.”
- Emotions: Recognize if the individual’s emotions are unmanaged and disproportionate.
- Behavior: Notice extreme behaviors that 90% of people would not do.
2. The Four “Forget About It” Tips
Eddy advises against:
- Giving Insight: Trying to explain or make them see the error of their ways is unproductive.
- Focusing on the Past: High conflict individuals often do not process the past well due to being stuck in denial and anger.
- Emphasizing Emotions: Avoid this as it usually escalates the situation.
- Using Labels: Avoid labeling them as it can worsen the dynamics.
3. The CARS Method
This approach involves:
- Connecting: Use empathy, attention, and respect to build a bridge in conversation.
- Analyzing: Present choices and options to engage logical thinking.
- Responding: Give Biff responses which are Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.
- Setting Limits: Stick to boundaries and impose consequences when necessary.
4. Stages for Disentangling
When deciding to exit a relationship with a high conflict person, avoid direct confrontation. Instead:
- Avoid Blame: Do not blame the other person or yourself in the process.
- Stage the Exit: Provide steps for the transition rather than a sudden departure.
Additional Insights
Emotional Contagion
Emotions, particularly high conflict emotions, are contagious. Understanding this can help in developing strategies to remain unaffected by the high emotions of others.
Seeking External Help
Involve a therapist, mediator, or legal advisor when dealing with high-stakes conflicts, especially when they threaten personal safety or when professional separation is required.
Overall, the conversation with Bill Eddy highlights the importance of strategic thinking and empathy in effectively managing conflicts, particularly those involving individuals with high conflict personalities. By following these structured approaches, one can navigate even the most challenging interactions more successfully.
For more in-depth information, the complete discussion can be found on the podcast hosted by Andrew Huberman with Bill Eddy: [00:06:13].