From: alexhormozi
Navigating the complexities of a marriage while also working together in a business presents unique challenges and opportunities. This article, based on a Q&A with an entrepreneurial couple, delves into their strategies for balancing personal and professional lives, fostering effective communication, and building a strong partnership that propels their individual and shared goals.
Balancing Work and Personal Life
The couple emphasizes that maintaining a present spousal relationship while consistently pursuing ambitious goals is not about doing both perfectly at all times. Instead, it involves strategic allocation of time and understanding the ebb and flow of life’s “seasons” [00:02:00].
Date Nights and Quality Time
Their approach to dates is flexible, ranging from expensive restaurants to relaxing at home watching movies [00:00:14]. The need for dates is often proportionate to their workload; more work necessitates more intentional date time [00:00:24]. They differentiate date nights from business dinners by making a conscious effort to dress up and be fully present for each other, moving beyond the casual nature of daily work interactions [00:01:05].
Effective Work vs. Hours
Working effectively does not mean working 24 hours a day [00:02:12]. The male partner measures his productivity and knows when his output drops. At this point, he calls it quits because the quality of work decreases. He opts for “higher ROI” activities, such as dedicating an hour to his marriage, recognizing that the return on investment for that personal time can be more valuable than pushing for an unproductive extra hour of work [00:02:43].
Seasons of Life and Mutual Support
Recognizing that life and work happen in “seasons” is crucial [00:03:23]. When one partner is in an intense work season, the other needs to be understanding.
“The bigger your goals are… the more understanding you need to be as a partner for that person because the bigger the vision they have for their lives, the more that you’re going to have to recognize that that requires sacrifice and bouts” [00:03:35].
A successful partnership should propel each individual faster towards their goals, not distract from them [00:04:00].
Shifting Priorities: Marriage First
Initially, the male partner explicitly stated that the business came before their marriage, reasoning that money issues are a common cause of divorce [00:12:06]. However, after three years of misery, they consciously flipped this priority, deciding to put their marriage first.
“We said well if we’re miserable we won’t stick with the business so we were like let’s make our marriage first and if we’re happy then the business will win or not but at least we won’t be miserable” [00:12:53].
This shift tremendously improved their lives, humorously described as a “3x” improvement in their marriage [00:13:04].
Communication Strategies
Communication is paramount in a couple’s business and personal relationship. They admit to having communication issues but are skilled at recognizing them and adapting their methods [00:10:34].
Writing as a Tool for Resolution
When conflicts arise, they often step away and write to each other [00:10:40]. This allows them to clearly think through what they want to say and reduces emotionality [00:11:00]. Changing physical environments during an argument also helps diffuse tension [00:11:17].
Letting Go and Realistic Expectations
They are willing to “let go” of minor disagreements, especially when tired or hungry [00:11:42]. They attribute their success to having “low expectations and high commitment” in their marriage [00:13:21]. This means accepting that their partner might not change or might even “get worse,” but their commitment remains, provided core values are aligned [00:13:23]. This mindset lowers pressure and prevents catastrophizing small issues [00:13:53].
Defining Expectations and Trade-offs
A common pitfall is having unrealistic expectations for a spouse [00:04:27]. The couple emphasizes the importance of accepting trade-offs.
“If you want a spouse who’s super goal oriented and super ambitious the trade-off the price tag for that is that they’re going to work more and their schedule’s not going to be as flexible” [00:04:35].
It’s essential to align expectations with reality, and if current actions don’t meet perceived spousal duties, one must either adjust expectations or accept the “new normal” for that season [00:05:05].
Non-negotiables in their relationship are seen as “agreements” that require mutual consent to change [00:11:51].
The Foundation of Respect
Their relationship’s bedrock is respect, not fleeting feelings of love [00:09:35].
“Feeling in love can come and go but at least for me respect is more unchanging… when I look on paper at this person and their character and I admire this person’s character there are going to be moments when people are in a relationship or they’re like f*** this person you’re f***ing so annoying whatever everyone has those moments everyone has those thoughts but when someone has like really outstanding character and they’re a respectable person it’s much easier in this moment to be like I’m proud to be married to this person” [00:09:39].
Moments that solidified their respect for each other include standing strong during personal and business crises [00:08:03] and making an effort to be more collaborative and value each other’s opinions [00:09:12]. They seek each other’s opinions due to respect, not a need for approval [00:15:15].
Synergy in Partnership
The couple acknowledges that no two people are perfectly compatible [00:14:26]. Instead, they understand and deal with the “downsides” of each other’s strengths. For example, the male partner’s high activity and output can lead to stress, while the female partner’s occasional distractedness might be misinterpreted by others as disinterest [00:14:41]. A key aspect of their success is that the female partner never tried to change him [00:15:13].
Achieving Success Together
While they believe they could have achieved success individually, they both agree it “would have been harder and… taken longer” [00:15:58]. The female partner’s understanding of operations, culture, and people was crucial for the male partner, who admits he was a “hard sell” on these aspects [00:16:11].
Finding the right business partner is one of the hardest things in building a valuable business, and incompatible partnerships often hinder business growth [00:16:43]. Their deep commonalities, initially making them question if they should date or just be friends, ultimately formed a strong foundation for their shared success [00:17:17].
When one partner wants to work and the other wants time away, they practice acceptance. The partner wanting time acknowledges that they might not get what they want and can pursue other activities independently.
“I can want that and accept that I’m not going to get it and do something else instead… The last thing I ever want to do is deter him from his goals and the things that make him happy and fulfilled at the end of the day” [00:18:14].
This creates space for each other and for desire to build up, making the time they do spend together more cherished and exciting [00:19:06]. As Esther Perel suggests, “you need to create space to be missed” [00:19:38].