From: alexhormozi
The speaker views relationships, particularly friendships, through a lens of utility and exchange, emphasizing that all relationships are inherently transactional, even if the term “transactional” carries a commercial connotation [02:49:00]. This perspective highlights the need for mutual reinforcement and value to sustain connections over time [02:55:00].
Shedding Relationships for Growth
The speaker notes that their close circle has always been very small, and they tend to shed friends regularly throughout their life [00:00:00]. This quick growth is attributed to not holding onto things that no longer provide value [00:12:00]. Life is viewed in “three to five year seasons,” each bringing different friendships that are often left behind as one evolves [00:21:00]. For example, high school and college friends were largely left behind after those respective seasons [00:27:00].
The Price of Greatness
Achieving greatness often requires making choices that the majority are unwilling to make [00:52:00]. Society often tells stories about friends leaving their hometowns and forgetting their origins, which is often narrated by the majority who get left behind [00:57:00]. Everyone may share the same goals, but it is the willingness to “pay the price” that distinguishes winners [01:21:00].
Identity and Labels
One significant reason for cutting people out of one’s life is to avoid the labels they might impose [01:30:00]. People from one’s past often maintain an identity of who they know you to be, and they might reinforce that label when you try to change or grow [01:46:00]. When someone says, “You’ve changed,” the best response is often, “Yeah, you haven’t” [02:05:00]. Surrounding oneself with people who don’t believe the “lies you used to tell about yourself” is crucial for personal growth [02:22:00]. Entrepreneurship, in particular, requires a willingness to shed old identities and behaviors [04:39:00].
The Transactional Nature of Relationships
The amount one loves or likes someone is directly proportional to what they are willing to give up to maintain the relationship [02:09:00]. All relationships involve an exchange where both parties gain something [02:44:00]. This is explained through the concept of behavioral reinforcement and punishment: a behavior is either reinforced or it is punished [02:57:00]. The strength of a relationship can be measured by how long one is willing to wait for the next positive reinforcement [03:09:00]. Even long-standing friendships may be cut off if positive reinforcement ceases [03:21:00].
“The amount you like or love someone is directly proportional what you are willing to give up to maintain the relationship.” [02:09:00]
Evaluating Relationships
The speaker uses a filter to determine which friends are loved the most based on the willingness to sacrifice for the relationship [02:35:00]. Time, focus, and energy are limited resources that must be poured into a single direction for optimal progress [04:42:00]. For example, the speaker dedicates one hour per week to their closest friend, recognizing the mutual exchange and joy it brings [05:51:00]. In contrast, an old teacher who asked for a two-hour weekly call was declined because the value of that relationship was primarily in the past, and the time commitment was too high [05:02:00].
Societal Norms vs. Personal Growth
Society often dictates that one should maintain relationships, leading to a “bad friend” narrative if they are cut off [03:40:00]. However, letting go of relationships that no longer serve one’s goals frees up space for new connections that align better [03:51:00]. Relationships where participants want different things are often better served by parting ways [04:06:00].
It is important to be kind by telling the truth and being honest in relationships [06:24:00]. This includes being direct about concerns or a desire to disassociate [06:30:00]. Direct communication can lead to either stronger relationships or the end of superficial ones, potentially helping the other person recognize misaligned paths [06:45:00].
“You can’t expect to do the same thing everyone else is doing and somehow achieve a different outcome.” [07:42:00]
People’s judgments about how one spends time are simply expressions of how they would not spend their own time the same way [07:20:00]. The idea of “friends for life” is largely a romanticized story, and it’s acceptable for relationships to be seasonal and not last forever [08:30:00].
Finding New Communities
Once outdated friendships are weeded out, the best approach is to join communities that align with one’s goals [07:47:00]. By committing to these communities, individuals can rise within them and then potentially “LeapFrog” into other high-level communities, similar to “lunch tables on steroids” [07:54:00]. To live a rare life, one must be surrounded by rare people [08:08:00].