From: alexhormozi

Choosing a life partner is one of the most impactful decisions, as the person you spend your life with significantly influences who you become, what you achieve, and your overall happiness [00:00:04]. An economics class graph suggested a 71% correlation between subjective well-being and the strength of a relationship with a significant other [00:00:17]. Over time, the amount of time spent with a spouse increases significantly, while time with friends, family, and kids decreases [00:00:32]. Given this profound impact, the decision of who to marry deserves more consideration than choosing a car or a neighborhood [00:00:09].

Intentional Partner Selection and Personal Worth

Many people spend inadequate effort in finding a partner, often shying away from dating apps or limiting dates, as if choosing a life partner is a mere “spin the wheel” scenario [00:00:44]. Instead of seeking numerous “hacks” or deceptive strategies for dating profiles [00:02:49], the real work involves becoming someone worth being with [00:03:04].

The speaker outlines three approaches to dating:

  1. Camp 1: Low Standards – Taking “anyone with a pulse,” which typically results in “scraps of society” [00:01:44].
  2. Camp 2: High Expectations, Low Self-Worth – Wanting an amazing person while personally “sucking” and expecting someone to see their amazing “deep down” qualities despite being unemployed, overweight, and failing to follow through on commitments [00:01:51]. This approach highlights a misalignment between self-perception and desired partner quality.
  3. Camp 3: Self-Improvement First – The most effective approach, focusing on becoming someone truly worthy of an amazing partner [00:03:38]. This means cultivating high standards for oneself, even higher than those held for a potential partner [00:01:40].

The "Big Domino" Principle

Instead of 100 tiny tweaks to find a partner “out of your league,” focus on one “big domino”: making yourself so worthy that you can attract any person, regardless of their “league” [00:03:30]. This principle applies to business, fitness, and relationships [00:03:54].

Evolving Preferences and Learning Through Experience

Your “type” of person that you consistently date may not be the type of person you marry [00:04:07]. If you keep dating the same type and it’s not leading to marriage, it might be a sign that this type isn’t the right fit [00:04:18]. Dating different types of people, even if it leads to “terrible first dates,” allows for pattern recognition and the discovery of previously unknown important character traits [00:06:05]. This broad exposure, even outside of romantic relationships, helps in judging and assessing people, which is a valuable skill [00:05:36].

For instance, the speaker discovered a preference for a woman who respected him and followed traditional gender roles, which he had not known was important until later [00:06:39].

Aligning Goals and Values

A strong partnership requires shared vision and mutual support for each other’s goals and values.

  • Support for Ambition: A partner should not hinder your goals; they should literally not even see your pursuits as a “take” from them, but rather as you fulfilling your duty to the household [00:06:52].
  • Shared Metrics for Success: It’s crucial that your partner judges you by the same metrics you judge yourself on [00:07:22]. If your goals and expectations for yourself align with their expectations of you, it creates synergy [00:07:46]. This alignment of goals and values fosters mutual respect and ensures both partners are outdoing each other’s expectations [00:08:13].
  • Honesty about Expectations: To avoid resentment, find someone who loves what you already do, rather than trying to change who you are to match their desires [00:08:26]. Be “brutally honest” upfront about what you expect from a partner and what a “10 out of 10” partner looks like to you [00:08:59]. This prevents being in a “compromise zone” where neither person is truly satisfied [00:09:18].
  • Advertising Downsides: Like a realtor disclosing negative aspects of a property to find the right buyer, people should be upfront about their “downsides” in dating [00:10:15]. If a partner is comfortable with your perceived flaws or negatives, it creates a much stronger foundation for a relationship [00:10:55]. This means less effort is required, as they like you for who you are [00:11:56].

Sacrifices, Trades, and the Journey Together

Long-term relationships involve a series of deliberate “trades”:

  • Novelty for Loyalty: Giving up the excitement of new relationships for the predictability and security of loyalty, which is defined as a high ability to predict a partner’s future behavior [00:15:32].
  • Exploration for Trust: Ceasing to explore multiple options allows for investing time and effort into one relationship, yielding trust as a dividend [00:16:03].
  • The Chase for a Journey Together: Moving from perpetually “on the hunt” for a partner to being side-by-side with someone, working towards a shared idea, goal, outcome, or purpose [00:16:17].

It’s important to be ethically honest about your intentions early on [00:16:51]. If you know you don’t want marriage or children, communicate that clearly, rather than leading someone on [00:17:02]. If you prefer novelty, exploration, or the chase, then marriage might not be for you, and that’s an acceptable choice [00:17:38].

Growth vs. Change in a Partner

A spouse marries two people: the person you are, and the person you want to become [00:17:57].

  • Growth: A partner who wants you to grow desires you to become more of who you already are, in the direction you are already heading [00:18:14].
  • Change: A partner who wants you to change desires you to be someone different towards a different end goal [00:18:19].

The "Project" Partner

Viewing a partner as a “project” to be fixed or changed is a “terrible way to live life” [00:18:31]. It implies they don’t love who you are or who you are naturally becoming [00:18:38].

Spouses as Assets for Personal Growth

A spouse can be either a liability (declining in value over time) or an asset (increasing in value) [00:20:11]. Choosing a partner who is continually getting better, working on themselves, acquiring new skills, and gaining new perspectives makes them an asset [00:20:34]. This investment in personal growth and a partner’s continuous self-improvement prevents stagnation [00:20:39].

A “partner” or “life partner” signifies someone who will partner with you for life [00:21:43]. Like business partners, they should share the same goals and values, but possess complimentary skills [00:21:53]. In a true partnership, the sum of the whole is greater than its parts [00:22:13].

The Cheerleader Analogy

A good spouse acts like a cheerleader for a quarterback, clearing the way or cheering from the sidelines to support your pursuit of goals [00:22:51]. They never ask you to leave the game when it’s on the line or change the rules halfway through [00:22:58]. This emphasizes the importance of consistent alignment and support for each other’s aspirations.

Ultimately, we need someone who believes in us as much as or more than we believe in ourselves [00:24:37]. They should believe you can be better, not different, than who you are [00:24:48]. This virtuous cycle of mutual reinforcement, where both people become better versions of themselves aligned with shared goals, fosters a strong, successful relationship [00:25:09].

Personal growth makes you a better person, which in turn attracts better people [00:26:15]. This requires honest self-assessment and addressing personal deficiencies [00:26:25]. When a partner positively influences your life, leading to improvements in wealth, fitness, patience, kindness, and joy, it signifies a healthy, growth-oriented relationship [00:26:32].