From: alexhormozi

The individual you choose to spend your life with will have the most significant impact on who you become, what you achieve, and your overall happiness [00:00:04]. Despite this, most people dedicate more time to deciding on a car or neighborhood than on selecting their spouse [00:00:09]. Research shows a 71% correlation between subjective well-being and the strength of a relationship with a significant other [00:00:20]. Over time, the amount of time spent with a spouse or alone increases, while time with friends, family, and kids decreases significantly [00:00:25]. Your spouse will be the person you spend the most amount of time with for the rest of your life [00:00:39].

Cultivating High Standards

It is crucial to hold exceptionally high standards for a partner, second only to the standards you apply to yourself [00:01:40].

The “Big Domino” Principle

Instead of focusing on numerous small “hacks” to optimize dating profiles, prioritize becoming a person worth being with [00:03:08]. The “big domino” approach suggests that by solving the significant issue of self-worth, other dating challenges become irrelevant [00:03:30]. If you become highly worthy, you won’t need to optimize your profile or rely on superficial tactics [00:03:40]. This principle applies to business, fitness, and relationships [00:03:54].

Avoiding Common Pitfalls

Many individuals either settle for “anyone with a pulse” or desire an amazing partner while failing to address their own deficiencies [00:01:44]. Some dating advice focuses on deception and posturing, which may work in the short term but eventually reveals one’s true nature [00:02:50]. The true work lies in becoming someone desirable to be with, not just optimizing initial impressions [00:03:04].

Beyond Your “Type”

Your “type” of person you typically date may not be the person you marry [00:04:04]. Consistently dating the same “type” without a long-term commitment might indicate that this type isn’t suitable for marriage [00:04:14]. Dating outside your usual preferences can lead to appreciating new traits and gaining valuable exposure to different cultures and psychographics [00:04:54]. This exposure helps you identify important character traits you may not have previously recognized [00:06:17].

The Necessity of Assessment

Being able to pick and judge people is a valuable and challenging skill that requires pattern recognition and experience [00:05:36]. Assessing someone accurately is essential, differentiating it from labeling them as “good” or “bad” [00:05:52]. Putting yourself out there and enduring challenging dates can lead to recognizing patterns and discovering new priorities in a partner [00:06:06].

Partner Compatibility and Shared Vision

Aligning Goals and Values

It’s essential that a partner does not hinder your goals [00:06:52]. A partner should view your pursuit of goals as a “give” to the household, not a “take” from them [00:07:13]. Your partner should judge you by the same metrics you judge yourself [00:07:22]. If expectations and self-assessments are aligned, a relationship can operate in synergy towards shared accomplishments, fostering mutual respect [00:07:46].

Finding a partner compatible with your long-term goals means finding someone who loves what you already do, rather than trying to change who you are to match their desires [00:08:26]. Being brutally honest upfront about what you want and expect from a partner makes both lives easier, as you can work towards your own goals, which coincidentally fulfill their desires [00:08:59]. Compromise often leads to neither person getting what they truly want [00:09:18].

The “Negative” Advertisement Approach

There is no objective measure for relationship success externally [00:09:47], making it difficult to assess health from the outside [00:10:01]. Consider adopting a realtor’s approach to advertising properties by stating the downsides [00:10:16]. In dating, this means openly stating your downsides [00:10:50]. If a potential partner is unbothered by these “negatives,” it forms the basis of a very strong relationship, as they gain upside where others see faults [00:10:55]. This allows you to simply be yourself, and they will like you for who you are [00:11:58].

Partner as an Asset

Your spouse marries two people: the person you are now and the person you want to become [00:17:57]. They should love both [00:18:03]. A partner should support your growth, which is becoming more of who you already are, rather than demanding change, which implies becoming someone different [00:18:12]. Thinking of a partner as a “project” is a poor way to live and suggests they don’t love either who you are or who you are becoming [00:18:31].

A spouse can be either a liability or an asset [00:19:11]. Liabilities decline in value over time, while assets increase [00:19:15]. Choose a partner who is continually growing, working on themselves, acquiring new skills, and gaining new perspectives, rather than someone who stagnates and relies solely on initial advantages [00:20:34]. The importance of providing value to a relationship should increase over time [00:20:32].

The Essence of a True Partner

The term “partner” or “life partner” better encapsulates the commitment than “spouse” or “husband/wife” [00:21:39]. A life partner is like a business partner: they have contrasting skills but share the same goals and values in getting there, with complementary abilities [00:21:53]. In such a partnership, the sum of the whole is greater than its parts [00:22:13]. A successful relationship is measured by how much better two people are together than apart [00:22:30].

A good partner is a cheerleader who clears the way or supports from the sidelines, never asking you to abandon your goals, especially when the stakes are high [00:22:48]. Conflict arises when a partner changes the rules or expectations mid-game [00:23:12]. If a partner cannot clearly communicate what they want from you, it’s advisable to find someone who can [00:23:54].

Long-Term Commitment and Self-Reflection

Trading Up in Relationships

Committing to one person involves trading novelty for loyalty [00:15:32]. Loyalty, defined as the ability to predict future behavior, is highly valuable [00:15:44]. You also trade exploration for trust: ceasing exploration allows you to invest time in one person, yielding dividends of trust [00:16:03]. Furthermore, you trade the “chase” for a shared journey towards a common goal or purpose [00:16:17].

The Importance of Honesty and Commitment

Be brutally honest about your intentions and long-term goals [00:16:51]. If you know you don’t intend to marry or have children with someone, communicate that clearly rather than letting them wait in false hope [00:17:02]. This saves time and is an ethical approach [00:16:48]. If you prefer novelty, exploration, or the chase, then marriage may not be for you, and that’s an acceptable personal choice [00:17:38].

Clarifying your priorities in a partner is crucial [00:13:26]. If a partner is attracted to your core, unchanging traits like ambition, that’s a strong foundation [00:14:08]. Understand the trade-offs involved in your choices and avoid resenting the “price tag” of your desired relationship [00:14:30]. If a partner isn’t willing to pay the cost of supporting your long-term goals, you will likely resent them if those goals aren’t achieved [00:14:59]. Aligning relationships with personal goals and values is vital [00:19:14].

It is acceptable to end a relationship, even a marriage, if you find you want fundamentally different things in life [00:19:44]. Shared goals allow efforts to be additive and stack on top of each other, leading to a more valuable relationship [00:24:20].

The Transformative Power of a Good Partner

A strong partner should believe in you as much as or more than you believe in yourself [00:24:37]. They should encourage you to be a better version of yourself, not a different one [00:24:48]. When both partners reinforce each other’s growth towards a pre-agreed shared goal, a virtuous cycle is created [00:25:09].

Ultimately, your marriage improves by becoming a better person first, which in turn attracts better people [00:26:15]. A supportive partner can lead to significant positive changes in various aspects of your life, including wealth, physical health, patience, kindness, and joy [00:26:32]. If a partner consistently pulls you away from your priorities and goals, it’s often easier to find someone who aligns with them [00:26:58].