From: alexhormozi
The person an individual chooses to spend their life with will have the largest impact on who they become, what they achieve, and their overall happiness [00:00:04]. Despite this, most people spend more time deciding on a car or neighborhood than on their future spouse [00:00:09]. An economics class study showed a 71% correlation between subjective well-being and the strength of a relationship with a significant other [00:00:17]. Over time, the amount of time spent alone and with a spouse significantly increases, while time with friends, family, and kids decreases [00:00:25].
The Importance of High Standards and Effort
Many single individuals are hesitant to use dating apps or go on many dates, despite searching for the one person they will spend the most time with for the rest of their lives [00:00:44]. This approach of “spinning the wheel” only a few times often leads to settling for someone who “doesn’t suck,” rather than an ideal match [00:01:03].
It is essential to have exceptionally high standards for a partner, second only to the standards one holds for oneself [00:01:40]. People often fall into two camps:
- Settlers: Those willing to take “anyone with a pulse,” which often results in less desirable matches [00:01:44].
- Entitled: Those who desire an amazing person but are not amazing themselves, expecting a partner to “see them deep down” despite their shortcomings [00:01:51].
The most effective “dating advice” is to become a person worth being with [00:03:04]. While optimizing dating profiles is helpful for initial exposure, the real work lies in being a desirable individual [00:03:10]. Instead of focusing on “hacks” to find someone “out of your league,” focus on making yourself so worthy that you can attract any partner, regardless of their perceived “league” [00:03:36]. This principle applies across business, fitness, and relationships [00:03:54].
Redefining “Type” and Mate Selection
Dating multiple “types” of people, even if they initially don’t align with perceived preferences, can broaden one’s understanding of desirable traits [00:04:49]. Often, the person one marries is not their “type” because if they were, that “type” would simply be their spouse [00:04:04]. Being open to different types can lead to appreciating diverse cultures and psychographics, gaining valuable exposure [00:05:21].
The ability to pick and judge people accurately is a valuable, albeit difficult, skill to develop, requiring pattern recognition and learning from past experiences [00:05:36]. It’s necessary to assess others, not to label them good or bad, but to understand who they are [00:05:48]. Putting oneself out there and enduring potentially terrible dates allows for the discovery of character traits that become unexpectedly important [00:06:06]. This self-discovery can also come from observing traits admired in colleagues or friends [00:06:30].
Aligning Goals and Metrics
A fundamental aspect of a compatible partnership is ensuring that a partner’s expectations and judgment metrics align with one’s own [00:07:24]. If a partner judges you on completely different metrics than you judge yourself, conflict and resentment will arise [00:07:33]. Ideally, a partner supports your ambitions and sees your pursuit of goals as a contribution to the household, not a “take” [00:06:52]. When both partners are harder on themselves than on each other and assess performance by the same high standards, it fosters mutual respect and synergy [00:08:13].
For a successful relationship, it is easier to find someone who loves what you already do rather than trying to change yourself to match their desires [00:08:26]. Being brutally honest about what one truly wants and expects from a partner is crucial [00:08:59]. A “10 out of 10” husband, for example, should embody traits that naturally align with one’s existing efforts and aspirations [00:09:02]. Compromise, where neither person truly gets what they want, often leads to dissatisfaction [00:09:18].
Unconventional Dating Advice: Highlighting Downsides
Traditional relationship advice lacks objective measures of success beyond “not divorced” [00:09:47]. An interesting perspective from Rory Sutherland suggests that just as realtors should advertise negative aspects of a property to attract specific buyers, individuals should highlight their downsides in dating [00:10:15]. If a person’s “downsides” are neutral or even positive to a potential partner, it can form the basis of a very strong relationship [00:10:55]. This allows for genuine acceptance and reduced effort in the relationship, as you are simply being yourself [00:11:58].
Trade-Offs and Long-Term Commitment
Committing to a partner involves significant trade-offs:
- Novelty for Loyalty: Giving up the excitement of new experiences for the predictability and security of a loyal partner [00:15:32]. Loyalty implies a high ability to predict future behavior [00:15:46].
- Exploration for Trust: Foregoing exploring many options to invest time and build trust with one person [00:16:03].
- The Chase for a Journey Together: Shifting from seeking new romantic conquests to embarking on a shared journey towards common goals and purpose [00:16:19].
For individuals unwilling to make these trades, marriage may not be the right path [00:17:47]. It is ethically important to be upfront about intentions, especially regarding long-term commitments like marriage and children, to avoid misleading a partner [00:16:51].
Growth vs. Change
A spouse marries two people: the person you are and the person you want to become [00:17:57]. It’s crucial that they love both [00:18:03]. A partner should encourage growth – becoming more of who you already are in your natural direction – rather than demanding change – becoming someone fundamentally different for a different end goal [00:18:12]. Viewing a partner as a “project” is a detrimental approach, indicating a lack of love for who they are or who they are naturally becoming [00:18:31].
Partner as an Asset
The term “partner” or “life partner” better encapsulates the ideal relationship dynamic than “spouse” or “husband/wife” [00:21:43]. Like a business partner, a life partner should have contrasting skills but the same ultimate goals and values [00:21:53]. The ideal relationship is one where the sum of the whole is greater than its individual parts [00:22:13]. A partner should be an asset that increases in value over time, not a liability that declines [00:20:11]. This emphasizes the importance of choosing someone who is continually improving, working on themselves, and acquiring new skills and perspectives [00:20:34].
Mutual Support for Goals
A good spouse acts as a “cheerleader,” clearing the way or cheering from the sidelines, but never asking you to leave the game when your important goals are on the line [00:22:51]. Conflict arises when partners change the rules or priorities halfway through, expecting different outcomes [00:23:12]. If a partner cannot be clear about what they want from you, it’s best to find someone who can [00:23:54]. When goals are aligned, efforts become additive and stack, leading to greater success together [00:24:27].
Ultimately, everyone needs someone who believes in them as much or more than they believe in themselves [00:24:37]. This mutual belief in becoming “better” (more of who you already are, aligned with shared goals) creates a virtuous cycle of reinforcement [00:25:09].
Personal Growth Attracts Better Partners
Having “obscenely high standards” for a life partner is justified, but these standards must be secondary to the even higher standards one holds for oneself [00:25:18]. Many people feel entitled to an amazing spouse without being ambitious in their own pursuit of self-improvement [00:25:35]. Better marriages stem from becoming better individuals first, as better people attract better people [00:26:15]. This requires honest self-reflection and addressing personal deficiencies [00:26:25]. The speaker shares that his wife has positively impacted his wealth, fitness, patience, kindness, endurance, and joy [00:26:32]. If a partner consistently pulls you away from your priorities and goals, finding someone more aligned will likely be easier than trying to change them [00:27:00].